The Tower

I will eventually speak more about Jobe’s death and the impact it had on me, but for now I just need you to know that before he died, I wasn’t into astrology or crystals or The Other Side. The only knowledge I had of astrology was sun sign horoscopes (they mean nothing, astrology is SO much more than your sun sign). I wasn’t well versed in Tarot or candle magic or crystals. In the Tarot deck there is a card called the Tower card. This card shows up when everything is falling apart. People think it’s a scary card, but it isn’t. It means that you are on the wrong path and the universe is correcting course by removing everything and everyone who isn’t supposed to be there. It’s really beautiful, actually. But I knew none of this at the time. I had experienced my first true heartbreak and then Covid came. I was living with Alyssa and Mike at the time, which was fun, but also not fun at the same time. I remember this day so vividly. On Thursday March 19th Governor Newsom shut down the state. I called my mom to ask her if anything like this had happened during her lifetime and she said no…super comforting. It was an uneasy time because nobody knew what to expect or what was happening. I was working from home on Friday when Alyssa came into my room and asked me to have a conversation. Her and Mike decided that they were packing up and moving back to New Jersey. This was before I knew everything that I know now, so I was pissed. So angry that they were making this insane choice so quickly. So mad that overnight my entire world had been turned upside down. I refused to pack or deal with figuring out the U-Haul, she did it all. I cried and cried laying on my empty floor listening to “The Fruitful Darkness” by Trevor Hall. They quite literally dragged me out of there kicking and screaming. Alyssa asked me what I wanted to do, if I wanted to stay or go. I realized that I couldn’t afford our two-bedroom apartment alone and I also realized that I didn’t want to panic sign a lease for another apartment. Making major decisions requires a level of groundedness that could not be achieved in this moment.

I immediately called Jobe and told him what was going on and could hear the air leave his lungs.

Me: “Can I work remote for a while until I figure everything out?”

Him: “Yes of course! Please don’t leave me!! We’re just getting started!”

I would leave my car parked in the yard at work, put my stuff in storage here, and go home to NJ to figure out my next move. I was coming back to LA. I wasn’t ready to leave, especially not like this. This all happened at 1pm on Friday March 20th. By Monday morning our entire apartment was packed up and we were on the road back to New Jersey. I had no idea what was going to happen, and I was so very angry. Little did I know what was in store.

It’s always easy to connect the dots backwards. Everything happens in divine timing, and this was no different.

p.s. if you’re ever going through something that seems impossible, listen to Trevor Hall. He is the reason that I have gotten through the craziest moments of my life. My top tracks by him are:

The Fruitful Darkness -a good listen when you find yourself in unexpected darkness.

Kahn - this one is about embracing change and is also peakkk.

I’ve Been in a Tune- my current top song about disappearing to find yourself.

Whatever - a song about how nobody knows what they’re doing, so whatever!

Kalika - a little mantra about being in the “in-between”