Tower 2

The first two months of 2021 were business as usual. I was working for Jobe and adventuring with Juliana on the weekends. I met this guy, let’s call him Santabarb, at the end of 2020. He lived a few miles from me, but was moving to Santa Barbara two days after our first date. We hit it off and I began spending weekends in Santa Barbara. On my drive up the 101 I would think to myself, “Is this real life? How did I get here?” He would become a most welcome distraction.

In February Jobe and his family had gone to Arizona for a few weeks, and I was left to hold down the fort. It was a bit hectic, but manageable. For the first time, I was left in charge to run the show and it was empowering. I had Jennifer and Ron to help me with the office and Oscar to help me with the crews. On Friday March 5th around 4pm I was in the office with Ron, Jennifer, and Jobe. Jobe was packing up to leave for a weekend of off roading at Buttonwillow near Bakersfield. He kept finding things to do to keep him there, but I finally kicked him out. “We’ve got this, Jobe. Go enjoy the weekend with your family” and then he left.

I went home had a quiet Friday night and went to sleep. I awoke on Saturday morning at 7:30 to go the bathroom and saw a missed call from Jobe’s Wife, Veronica. I thought she must have butt dialed me, so I ignored it and went to pee. While I was going to the bathroom my phone lit up: “JobesWife” was calling again. My brain said “hm it wasn’t a mistake” and I answered the phone. My entire world came crashing down. “SARAH JOBE DIED!!!” cried Veronica on the other end of the phone. The shock is unlike anything I have ever experienced. This was my California dad, my protector who would help me with anything that I needed. My family away from my family, my safety net. “WHAT?!!” followed my immediate tears. No way, this isn’t possible. He’s only 46 and the burliest, healthiest looking man I have ever seen. He was a presence that commanded any room, a true force to anyone who knew him. This man couldn’t be dead. She explained to me that they were setting up the camp fire and he just dropped, he was gone in seconds. His wife and three incredible children witnessed everything. I can’t remember how the call ended, but we must have said goodbye and I went on to begin a very different Saturday than I had planned for. I walked into the living room towards the balcony in a haze thinking “this is going to be so hard, but you can do it Sarah.” I remembered my co-worker, Bill, was planning on driving up on Saturday to hang out with Jobe and his family. I called him and told him to pull over before delivering this earth-shattering news. We spoke for a few minutes, and I was on to the next call. One foot in front of the other. I spent the weekend in bed and after talking to my coworkers, we decided Monday would be business as usual. There was no time to grieve, we had a business to run.

This would be the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. I have done a lot of thinking about everything that has transpired and I think the lesson in all of this is that I am my own safety. I can do anything. What was coming would be absolute chaos, but I had my weekends in Santa Barbara to keep me grounded. Going to his house was the only place in the world where my brain would turn off the noise and I could relax and not think about my next step.

Dot numero dos

Living with Juliana was the complete opposite of living with Mike and Alyssa. I love them and would not be here without them, but they were messy. There were shoes all over the apartment and dishes constantly in the sink even though we had a dishwasher. Jules is a Virgo, so she’s a neat freak. The apartment was never messy, she was quiet, and down for any activity. At the end of June 2020 we spontaneously road tripped to Big Sur for the weekend. In August we took a weekend trip to Yosemite. After living with two people who never go out, this was such a breath of fresh air. This was the life I wanted to live, finally! The Yosemite trip changed my perspective on so many things, but especially death. It seems like we are all raised to fear the unknown when we should embrace it. On the first day we planned to hike to North Dome. It would be approximately 10 miles round trip and there was an optional pop off to this arch called Indian Rock. We planned to microdose mushrooms, but I unintentionally took too much and saw cartoons. My legs felt like they weighed 100lbs, every step was a struggle, and I was rushing myself for no reason. I kept saying we had to get there at a specific time and Juliana replied “why? why do we need to rush? enjoy the hike, we can take a lot of breaks.” And that we did. I probably took a break every 100 ft and she was so patient. We decided to hike up to Indian Rock before moving on to North Dome. I swear when we got up to Indian Rock we were in a different dimension. It felt like we were there for hours and didn’t see another soul. She was somehow able to facetime her mom from the rock to wish her a happy birthday. We spoke of life, death, and everything in between. Juliana changed my entire perspective on death that day. It isn’t something to be feared, it is a reward after a long, tiring life. Don’t get me wrong, I love my life, but it’s hard. This conversation shaped the way that I look at a lot of things and I know it happened during this time period for a reason.

The remainder of 2020 was spent taking trips to Lake Tahoe, Big Bear, and a few other local places. I continued to work for Jobe Roofing, but felt restless again. Jobe was really great at hyping me up for the future, but my career felt a little stagnant. I was sitting on the balcony one night letting my mind wander and suddenly the thought went out: “hey universe, this experience has been incredible, but I’m ready for more growth.” I immediately thought, “oh fuck what did I just do?” but doubled down. Whatever was coming would be worth it in the end because everything always turns out better than you could have imagined. This next “Tower moment” would be unlike anything that I had ever experienced and to date has been the hardest thing that I have ever had to go through. When things fall apart so spectacularly, it’s just the universe helping put you into alignment for your soul’s purpose.

Dot Numero Uno

Life is really funny sometimes. It’s like you can see when something is being set up for you, but you’re not sure how it will unfold. I was a nanny on and off for the Samaan family for many years. The mother, Nancy, is one of my favorite humans. She’s so very down to earth, smart, and successful. When I started with them, I would watch Gabby and Faith. It seemed like these were the only two children she was going to have until Louka showed up in 2016. He was my best bud, we had so much fun together it really didn’t seem like work. Nancy had hired Juliana to organize and do laundry a couple of times a week. We would see each other and occasionally chat, but we never became friends outside of the house. At least not yet. I shared my plan to move to LA in October 2018 with Nancy not long after I had told my parents. She asked if I was moving with Juliana. I was confused…no, I wasn’t moving with Juliana, but is Juliana moving to LA? It turns out, she was, in November 2018. A coincidence too big to ignore. Once we both settled in, we decided to day trip to Joshua Tree together in December 2018. During our little adventure both of us expressed that this simultaneous, yet separate move, had to mean something. Only time would tell.

Jules had moved here with her stepson, Brendan, to keep an eye on him for her ex-husband. They lived in a beautiful two-bedroom apartment in Marina Del Rey. Brendan was in his early twenties at the time and she was not. After living with a messy man child for a year she decided she would look for another apartment. She ended up living with a stranger in Playa Del Rey. Juliana knew what was happening with Mike and Alyssa and knew that I wanted to return to LA. I asked her if she would potentially want to live together when I moved back, and she said yes. I was working remotely in New Jersey at the time trying to figure out the next step. We were trying to narrow down the neighborhood that we wanted to live in. I really liked Miracle Mile and she really liked the beach. We would send apartment links back and forth and she would check out anyone that had potential in person. We ended up in Miracle Mile because she was going to school in Culver City and I already knew the neighborhood was safe and close enough to Culver to not be an issue. Our apartment was two blocks away from where I had previously lived with Mike and Alyssa. I don’t think I was aware that she was studying astrology at the time. This seemed like the first dot connecting to a new chapter in my life. We signed a lease and I returned to LA on June 5, 2020.

The Tower

I will eventually speak more about Jobe’s death and the impact it had on me, but for now I just need you to know that before he died, I wasn’t into astrology or crystals or The Other Side. The only knowledge I had of astrology was sun sign horoscopes (they mean nothing, astrology is SO much more than your sun sign). I wasn’t well versed in Tarot or candle magic or crystals. In the Tarot deck there is a card called the Tower card. This card shows up when everything is falling apart. People think it’s a scary card, but it isn’t. It means that you are on the wrong path and the universe is correcting course by removing everything and everyone who isn’t supposed to be there. It’s really beautiful, actually. But I knew none of this at the time. I had experienced my first true heartbreak and then Covid came. I was living with Alyssa and Mike at the time, which was fun, but also not fun at the same time. I remember this day so vividly. On Thursday March 19th Governor Newsom shut down the state. I called my mom to ask her if anything like this had happened during her lifetime and she said no…super comforting. It was an uneasy time because nobody knew what to expect or what was happening. I was working from home on Friday when Alyssa came into my room and asked me to have a conversation. Her and Mike decided that they were packing up and moving back to New Jersey. This was before I knew everything that I know now, so I was pissed. So angry that they were making this insane choice so quickly. So mad that overnight my entire world had been turned upside down. I refused to pack or deal with figuring out the U-Haul, she did it all. I cried and cried laying on my empty floor listening to “The Fruitful Darkness” by Trevor Hall. They quite literally dragged me out of there kicking and screaming. Alyssa asked me what I wanted to do, if I wanted to stay or go. I realized that I couldn’t afford our two-bedroom apartment alone and I also realized that I didn’t want to panic sign a lease for another apartment. Making major decisions requires a level of groundedness that could not be achieved in this moment.

I immediately called Jobe and told him what was going on and could hear the air leave his lungs.

Me: “Can I work remote for a while until I figure everything out?”

Him: “Yes of course! Please don’t leave me!! We’re just getting started!”

I would leave my car parked in the yard at work, put my stuff in storage here, and go home to NJ to figure out my next move. I was coming back to LA. I wasn’t ready to leave, especially not like this. This all happened at 1pm on Friday March 20th. By Monday morning our entire apartment was packed up and we were on the road back to New Jersey. I had no idea what was going to happen, and I was so very angry. Little did I know what was in store.

It’s always easy to connect the dots backwards. Everything happens in divine timing, and this was no different.

p.s. if you’re ever going through something that seems impossible, listen to Trevor Hall. He is the reason that I have gotten through the craziest moments of my life. My top tracks by him are:

The Fruitful Darkness -a good listen when you find yourself in unexpected darkness.

Kahn - this one is about embracing change and is also peakkk.

I’ve Been in a Tune- my current top song about disappearing to find yourself.

Whatever - a song about how nobody knows what they’re doing, so whatever!

Kalika - a little mantra about being in the “in-between”

2019

2019 has been my favorite year to date. The first quarter was fun and chaotic because I had this new job (yay, income!) and was also trying to explore as much as possible. For my birthday in April, I had my friends from home (Michele, Meggan, & Regina) fly out and we rented a house in Joshua Tree. It was a long weekend filled with so much laughter and so many mushrooms. Alyssa and Mike joined the trip along with our neighbor, Aliyah, and Mike’s cousin Zach. Aliyah, Alyssa, and Zach had never done mushrooms. I remember at one point Aliyah walked out of the bathroom and was like “SARAH!!! The WALLS are MOVING!!!” …welcome to the trip, Aliyah! Alyssa, who has anxiety and depression, felt normal (on shrooms) for the first time in her life. I will forever be pro-psychedelics for healing. This house had everything. A pool, fireplace, cool artsy set up out front for pictures, a little desert golf driving range, and a garage with games. It was magic. At one point we wanted to start gaze so we dragged every pillow and blanket we could find out into the middle of the sand driveway that was referred to as “the pit.” It was the best night ever. Honestly, top moment of my life. I was the most present I had ever been in any moment and knew at that time that it would be a core memory. This is how my year started off, and it only got better. I met TJ on Tinder (lol) and ended up having such an epic adventure filled year. He was my “yes man,” down for anything. Two weeks after we met, I said “wanna go to Channel Islands?” and he said yup just name the date. I have tried this with people since then and they are never down for adventure. I hope that I find someone like him again. I was living a life I could never have imagined, but towards the end of 2019 I felt like I needed change again. I had survived this cross country move and created a new comfort zone. I wanted more growth, so I asked the universe “this has been hard, but incredible, I’m ready for more!”

Jobe gifted me Clippers tickets for us to use and the seats were 4th row. We ended up on the kiss cam which had always been a funny bucket list item for me. A weekend away in the San Bernadino Mountains? Yes, please! Kayaking at Big Bear? Sign me up. Joshua Tree? Let’s go! He would always comment how we were doing some really epic things together, but he had a sad tone about him which should have been a sign. He had moved out here just before I did with his girlfriend of 4 years so he could work at Netflix. She broke up with him and moved back to Georgia and then I met him. I was the rebound, which is tough, but I also had the most fun that year and would do it over and over again if I had to. Things started getting a little weird around Thanksgiving and by Christmas I couldn’t hold it in anymore. “What are we?” after 8 months of acting like a couple was a hard conversation to have. It was a conversation that we should have had long ago. The new year began, and we ended. It’s weird to think that it took me 29 years to experience real heartbreak. I remember the day it ended I drove home and sat in the parking garage crying hysterically in my car. I couldn’t move. I tried to text Alyssa to come get me, but there was no service. Welcome to 2020, Sarah. It’s going to be a hell of a year, buckle up.

Q1 Los Angeles

After a two-week cross-country road trip, I finally arrived at my new apartment in LA on October 5, 2018. After the initial excitement wore off, I began to freak out. Every single day was a struggle. Did I do the right thing? This is all so insane. Will I find a job? Will I manage to create a life here? Am I enough? My mantra leading up to the move was “leap and the net shall appear.” Would my net appear? I applied to countless jobs and went on probably 20+ interviews. Fun fact about me, I am TERRIBLE at interviews. I get so in my head and unable to advocate for myself. I managed to get an interview for an administrative assistant position for a roofing company. Super random and honestly not where I thought life would take me. When I spoke with the owner on the phone, he seemed very frustrated with the process. He mentioned that people would schedule interviews and just not show up. I would absolutely not be one of those people, I assured him. I desperately needed a job. I arrived at the office which was basically in South Central aka the gang capital of the world aka the place my dad told me he would kill me if I ever went. I met with the owner, Jobe, and gave an absolutely awful interview. Quiet, awkward, long pauses, the definition of uncomfortable. When the interview concluded he told me that he had a few more candidates to interview (not very promising). I ended up flying back to NJ for Thanksgiving because I hadn’t found a job, so why not? My parents are divorced so I celebrate Thanksgiving twice. The first one is on the actual day with my mom’s family. The second is the day after Thanksgiving with my dad’s half. Right before I walked into dinner with my dad’s half of the family, I received a phone call from Jobe offering me the job. During the conversation with Jobe I asked him why he hired me because I gave such a terrible interview. He replied that he contacted my three references and they all echoed similar sentiments: “If she wants to work for you, you would be an idiot not to hire her.” I cried. I was so ecstatic that I danced into dinner singing I got the jobbbb! I would start the Monday after Thanksgiving and mannn was that start of an epic ride.

September 21, 2018

I am going to backtrack to the previous leap of faith that I had taken moving from NJ to LA. In 2012 I took a short vacation to Los Angeles with my friend Regina. During this trip I had the overwhelming feeling that I needed to live in California. For the next few years, I toyed with the idea but kept talking myself out of it because of all of the creature comforts that I had in my life. I couldn’t possibly find a new waxer or hair stylist. I graduated from Rutgers with my BA in American Studies in Spring 2013. I had been working as a nanny during college and had no real plan for after graduation. At the time, it seemed like everyone I knew had their entire life planned at 22. During senior year, I had gone to visit my friend Grace at school in DC. I’m a little fuzzy on the details, but I remember her saying that she was dating intentionally because “now was the time to find a husband.” This really blew my mind. People my age are thinking about MARRIAGE?! Wild. But as Juliana would say, I am a different chicken. I ended up working as an admin in a doctor’s office for 5 years. While I absolutely loved the doctor and his wife, I felt super stagnant and aimless. At the end of 2017 my cousin Alyssa approached me about moving to LA. Her boyfriend, Mike, wanted to get into the film industry and they thought moving there would be ideal for his career. My response was “fuck yes, I’m in. Just tell me what to do.” I feel like I need to note that she is an anxious human and I fully thought she would not go through with the move. Slowly but surely, she started planning. She booked a U-Haul and was on the hunt for an apartment for us. Honestly, I have no clue how she found an apartment to accept us when the three of us had no job or income. A true miracle, but hey, when the path is supposed to open it will. I hadn’t told anyone about this because I truly thought that she would bail before I did. She would book things and buy things and I would just send her my share. In the beginning of summer 2018 she texted me that the official move date would be September 21st. She had planned a two-week cross-country road trip stopping to see family on the way. Now that I had a date, I needed to tell my parents. I dropped the bomb on them at the end of July and to this day feel so guilty about the way I handled it. I should have told both of my parents that I was planning on moving to LA as soon as I knew, but I really thought Alyssa would bail. I am so #blessed that both of my parents are incredibly supportive, even if they don’t understand what I am doing. My mom immediately got to work buying things that I would need for the apartment. My father started giving my supportive magnets and signs from Hobby Lobby. “She Believed She Could, So She Did.” I quit my stable job with benefits and left everything that I knew. It. Was. Terrifying. I had a few months’ worth of money saved to carry me through finding a job. The doctor’s wife offered me part time remote work charting for him which was a Godsend. It took countless interviews and two full months before anyone made me an offer. And where I ended up was one thousand percent where I was supposed to be. Connecting the dots backwards after everything that has happened really shows me that there is something bigger at play. None of this is coincidence.

Surrendering

I have officially surrendered to the universe. Let me back up and tell you where I am, what got me here, and what my non-plan plan is. For all of 2023 every fiber of my being was screaming at me that I no longer belonged at my job. I successfully ignored that scream for most of the year. The “I don’t belong here anymore” voice became so powerful that I impulsively quit my job on September 29th. Mostly impulsively, anyway. I did the responsible thing and made sure that I had enough money to survive a few months before needing income. I ended up agreeing to work for my company for 60 more days so that they could find my replacement and have time to train them. December 1st was my hard out and then I planned on spending two weeks living the funemployed life in LA before going back to New Jersey for two weeks at Christmas. And then one of my favorite things happened, life threw me a curveball. During the summer I had had these visions of me packing up the gallery wall in my bedroom but didn’t expect what was coming next. In my mind that was in the not-so-distant, but still far enough away, future. My roommate, Juliana, and I would part ways amicably once we grew into our new selves and new lives. All in due time. Before resigning I had budgeted three months in my current living situation in the apartment that we had been in for 3 years. Turns out the universe always has another plan. The week after I quit my job, I barely saw Jules. I knew something was up, but I had no idea quite how crazy it was going to be. One week after I resigned, I was sitting at the dining room table eating dinner when she walked in the door. She kept saying life was crazy and this was crazy and there had been a lot going on. I had also eaten half an edible, so there’s that. After a lot of pacing back and forth and unpacking groceries she finally started to tell me what was happening. She was marrying her boyfriend of four months. WHAT. THE. FUCK. Yes. So here we are and I’m high and I’m processing, and my mind just went to all of the additional things that I would have to deal with now as she was telling me her story. She is, of course, pacing and telling me she’ll help me, and she knows this is unexpected and a lot is happening. In my mind I have already calculated what my monthly budget is and precisely how much less time I will have to enjoy my mini sabbatical because I now need a deposit for my new apartment and new furniture for said space. My brain cuts to my couch being sold, dining room set sold, everything gone. And then I snap back into the moment and hear Juliana talking about this decision that she sounds both unsure of and very sure of at the same time. She’s asking me if I think she is crazy and I’m responding that it’s a little crazy, but only she knows what she needs to do. We cried together because everything that we had been and experienced together for the last three years brought us to this moment. I could not have gone through Jobe’s passing without her in that space. I could not have gone through the absolute stress ball that life became after he died without her. For the last few years, we had both been experiencing our own versions of hermit mode. It was nice to live with someone who needed as much alone time as I did, but who was also down for a spontaneous trip to Yosemite or Joshua Tree. Someone who understood that we were both going through something separate, yet together. It was like the universe stuck us in apartment 103 to make sure that we could do what we needed to do, but not fall too far into the black hole. She introduced me to astrology which started me down the path of spirituality and healing. I started getting into Tarot and learning about crystals and candle magic and pendulums. This journey began because she helped open my eyes to the tools. And now this chapter was over. In this moment, crying in the dining room together over our mutual appreciation for each other and the time we had spent together, it was over. The grieving for this chapter of my life began. I am eternally grateful for everything that has happened and cannot wait to see what is to come. My non-plan plan for the future is to allow what is meant for me to come to me. Enter: Spiritual Gnome. I can’t wait to explore this journey with you.

After Jules & I finished talking, I walked into my bedroom and said, “Thank You, Universe.”

The change I had been asking for was here.